Running, Pretending, Prattling.

The mountains here…I mean they’re incredible. If you didn’t believe in God before, you’re surely asking questions now. And if you’re not asking questions? Well then you know. You know that the river didn’t just form from anything but God’s own fingertips and the trees and the lake and the mountains were all a part of His perfect plan. Another part of His perfect plan? Pain. And I don’t mean the stubbing your toe kind of pain or even the frequent brain swelling induced headaches I get sometimes…I mean the kind of pain that makes you know you’re growing-even when you’re hurting. You feel Him stretching you and changing you and it reminds you that the bigger the mountains you climb, the bigger the victory will be. And you’re strangely okay with it because you know what it feels like to sit idle and empty and you know that you’re at your best and closest to Him while knees sunk deep into His own earth. I mean He really does want to meet us there.

I used to not believe in visions until God started manifesting Himself visually for me. He knows how stubborn I am and how little faith I have at times, and so He’s been doing this beautiful thing of painting pictures for me. Scenery that I can still look at even when my eyes are closed. Sorry He’s way to good to me when all I do is run. Mostly I run. Mostly I run away from Him, so far away that I think I’ve lost Him and I think He can’t catch me but right when I open my eyes I don’t come running back into anything but His own arms that reach distances. Thank you Jesus for calling my bluff. Because you see, He knows that all I want is Him. I pretend and I prattle but He knows the depth of my heart and He knows that past all my own selfish desires and wants, that all I truly want…no no no all I truly NEED is Him. I can say that I don’t or even my actions alone can try and justify my faith in a way that might make sense…but He knows. He sees my skin as translucent and He knows that I try and want Him with everything but I never will because of Adam, because of Eve, because of my silly little heart that’s not always focused on Him.

The funny thing? Well rather the sad thing…I’ll never want Him enough. I’ll never claim to need Him enough. But I need Him more than air and water and food and He is my rest, you know? He is my all. So I can do that naïve thing of running and waiting for change, but He’s it for me. He’s air for me. Nothing else matters and when I make it matter, that's when I’m empty. And so right now, knowing I’ve ran, I’ve pretended, I’ve prattled…I come before Him…knees deeper than ever in His own earth, and I pray. I pray for strength where I’ll always lack it. I pray for a desire that will never be strong enough to know Him to the full. I pray for selfishness to eradicate, though I know I’ll never be perfect. And I pray to love Him more, though I know I’ll never love Him enough.